Inspiration….I need some right now. Inspiration to write this blog. Inspiration to do anything at this point. This is April 15, 2020. If you’re alive and paying any attention to life on earth, you know that April 15th is right smack in the middle of the pandemic “lockdown” in the United States. So yes, I’m feeling quite uninspired. Unproductive. Paralyzed. Unable to do anything meaningful. I keep walking around the house pretending I’m busy, jumping from the computer to the dirty dishes in the sink, to the phone, just to occupy my brain and keep me from doing what I feel pressured to do. I don’t want to write today. I don’t want to do any work today. And I sure as hell don’t want to exercise. I want to eat. I want to drink. Wine. Lots of it.
I hate when I can’t figure out why I’m feeling what I’m feeling. Honestly, I do consciously try to put my finger on what’s going on in my head and body when I feel like this. But some days, like today, I don’t even feel like doing that. I want to be irresponsible and purposely NOT try to figure it out. I want to ignore every sensible part of my brain.
There are ways to “get motivated” I suppose. Letting some time pass might do the trick to shake off my current mood. I could start that gratitude journal. Exercise. Diffuse an uplifting scent. Meditate. Talk to someone. I know all those things could and should help. But I don’t feel like doing any of them. Nope.
Getting to the root
I’m thankful I can pay my bills, feed my kid, and am not on the front line fighting this awful beast. When I think of the horrors some people are experiencing right now, my plight doesn’t even seem worth mentioning. But I think I might represent a lot of people at this moment. No, we’re not dying, but we are sick in a way. We’re stressed by the uncertainty we are all experiencing. That is what I’m feeling. Stress is causing my lack of motivation and inability to give a shit about anything other than my chicken wing dip that’s in the oven. Even though we might be financially and physically ok, I think a lot of us are feeling this way. Add in the guilt from having the audacity to feel stressed when so many other people are suffering, and forget it. If I wasn’t feeling worthless before, I sure as hell am right now.
One of the advantages of getting old is the wisdom that comes with it. And one of the things I’m happy to have learned is to judge myself a little less harshly than I have in the past. Ten years ago, heck, maybe even five, a lack of motivation like this would have caused me to tell myself to shut up, quit being a baby and get on the damn treadmill. Buck up. Get going, loser. What the heck is wrong with you? Where’s your fire? Whatever…..forget that girl, she was crazy. This girl right now is a little, no, a lot gentler on herself. Why? Because my pain is my pain, and I don’t need to compare it to anyone else’s for it to be legitimate. And because I’m enough, just being here and breathing. And because beating myself up mentally is good for nothing and nobody. And because sometimes, I just need a down day and for nothing to make sense.
It’s all good
It’s OK to feel uninspired and unmotivated, and even to sit and wallow in it for a minute. We are not made of steel. It is impossible to be our best every minute of every day. The lows we sometimes feel make the highs sweeter. So be gentle on yourself, especially right now. Take that minute, or take a day if you need it. The world will be waiting for you tomorrow. Your house may look like it was ransacked by aliens, and your kids’ teeth might have fur, but we’ll all be here waiting for you and cheering you on.
😉 xo Karm
Note: Depression is a clinical condition that can be serious. Uncertain times and events can cause depression or exacerbate symptoms in those who already have depression. If you think you might be depressed, please contact your health care provider for help. Don’t wait. For more information, click this link: https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/depression.