At 53 years old, I thought I’d have more figured out by now. But here I am still worrying about whether or not I’m excelling as much as I should at work, about finding a man to spend my life with, am I pretty, am I kind, am I smart, what do other people think of me? Wtf! The worry that gets me the most though is whether or not I’m a good enough mom.
I’ve lived long enough to know that the idea of a Supermom is ridiculous. I can’t hold myself or all of the women I love to that unfair notion. But how do you not feel bad when you get your kid to school late because you couldn’t drag your tired ass out of bed? Or when his grades slip and you know if you just had more time to spend with him, he’d do better at school? And when I hear him swear and know he learned it from me? Honestly, sometimes I don’t even think I feed him enough healthy food and I’m sure I let him spend way too much time on things that don’t need my participation. I hate it.
Do you know what else I hate? Social fucking media. Looking at all the other moms pretending that they’re doing everything right. And they still have time for drinks with the girls or sexy time with their husbands . . . in addition to their kids being honor students and playing three sports, taking music lessons and learning a foreign language. I can’t!!!!
And while all of this reels in the back of my mind, I look in the mirror at my tired, plumping body, my wrinkles, my uncared for nails, my unshaved legs, and I feel so deflated. Are my good days behind me? Cause honestly, the “good old days” weren’t that good.
My clothes are tight, my son is an asshole sometimes, my dog has chronic ear infections. And yet, I know these are “white people problems”. I’ve been fortunate enough to see other parts of the world, to meet people who are truly struggling with daily needs. And on my good days, I’m blessed and I know it and I try hard to give back. On my bad days…..let’s not even go there.
So, I will go to bed tonight and try to relax. I will say my prayers. I will wake up tomorrow and do it all again. I will continue to hope that I will one day appreciate myself for who I am, forgive myself for what I’ve done wrong, and continue moving forward. Because I’m a mom, and I owe my kids the best of me, even though it never feels like enough. And I still hope that at the end of a long day, there will be someone in my future to hold me at night and tell me I’m doing good….and that I’m pretty….and that I’m kind. And I will try to remember that my life is in God’s hands and he would not forget about me. He wouldn’t, right?